My Metamorphosis to a Reasonably Confident Adult :: Personal Narrative Writing

My Metamorphosis to a Reasonably Confident Adult In grade school, I can remember being insulted and humiliated because I displayed traits some of my peers thought were feminine. I was informed that I walked, spoke, and generally behaved like a girl. I recall feelings of anger and resentment mixed with shame and self-consciousness. I wondered why I was being singled out. Now I realized that every boy who showed some trace of femininity was singled out, not just me. At the time, of course, I thought I was the only one. I tried to hypothesize about why I was being insulted. Maybe this pink shirt is too girlish, I thought. Maybe my hair is too long. Maybe there is just something wrong with me. As I entered junior high, I began to consciously eliminate any behaviors, mannerisms, etc. that could possibly be perceived as feminine. After all, fitting in with my sexist, homophobic peers was my main objective. I wore "masculine" clothing (dark colors, button-downs, workboots), got a short haircut, and lowered my voice about three octaves when I spoke. Gym class was my worst dread. As Cooper Thompson says, "Competitive activites . . . too easily become a lesson in the need for toughness, invulnerability, and dominance." This was one-hundred percent true in my junior high school. The most violent kids ruled the gym class, and they received the most recognition from the teacher. If one of them made a violent tackle in a football game, for instance, he would be applauded by the teacher, who called such kids "men." Of course, I felt like less than a man, because I couldn't play sports for my life. This horrible truth was exposed every time gym class met, and I was mortified. Frustrated with my ineptitude, I spent hours practicing by myself: shooting baskets, hitting baseballs, anything to gain some physical coordination. In retrospect, I laugh about how much effort I put into impressing my peers in gym class! Eventually, P.E. didn't humiliate me as much, but fear of ridicule prevented me from ever trying out for a team. In high school, I made a few good friends-people who like me for the way I was and didn't care if I was inept at certain things. However, feelings of insecurity still lingered. I was terrified that girls wouldn't like me if I didn't act like a real man (whatever that is).